I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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