This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
