She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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