A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
