At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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