When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
