Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
