youre lurking in front of me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
