shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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