On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
