Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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