I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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