I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
