i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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