dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
