You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
