burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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