My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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