Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
