So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
