i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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