My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
