nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
