I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
should my penis look like a turkey
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
