Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
