She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize