She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
