I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize