So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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