I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
