I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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