She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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