grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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