Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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