there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
