If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
