grandma shit on top of the toilet
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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