dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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