I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
