onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
