saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
