do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
