Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
