just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
