I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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