Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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