eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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