I'm so fucking centered right now
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
