Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize