No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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