don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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