atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
