come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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