So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are the jesus of drinking
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
