Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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