onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
