The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
