I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize