I wish I could punch you in the face.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
