you guys were way drunker than both of me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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